Got it!! The Catholic View's episode on miscarriage!

Praise Jesus!!!  I finally got it!  The video that was previously playing at this link wasn't correct and I've been frantically trying to track down this episode.  It wasn't on youtube or anywhere.  I contacted everyone associated with the show to try to get them to correct it, with little to no response.  But voila!  Today I received a response that it was corrected!!  If you'd like to see the show - and I highly recommend it if you've had a miscarriage -  click here!

"The Catholic View for Women" on Miscarriage

After the funeral mass, we went out to dinner.  It was a nice distraction.  And by "distraction", I mean this:



Then we got home and I had a couple of glasses of wine and fell asleep on the couch.  I was physically and mentally drained.  I happened to wake up just as my DVR started recording "The Catholic View for Women" on EWTN.  I record all of them, but honestly, rarely get a chance to watch.  Although it's a wonderful show.

But last night, I believe I was meant to see it.  It happened to be about - miscarriage.  It was unbelievable.  The women were talking about how, even in the pro-life movement, miscarriage is not properly dealt with.  How lonely a loss it is, and how other people don't know how to respond to it.  It's not treated as a "real" loss.

Omg, you guys.  It's EXACTLY what I need at the EXACT right time.  I still can't believe it.  And you all need to watch it.  I'm still trying to track down an electronic version.  When I find it, I'll post it for sure.  My main concern is being able to send it to my family so that maybe they'll finally *begin* to understand that I'm not the only one who is grieving from a miscarriage - that everyone does, you just don't hear about it.

If anyone has happened to see this, let me know!  Especially if you have a link to the episode!

We said goodbye

Tonight we celebrated the funeral mass for our unbaptized babies, Gerard and Frances.  I got through it much better than anticipated.  I think it will take awhile to process.  But I'm so glad we did it.  I have a feeling it will be some good closure for us.  We thank God for our amazing priest who offered the mass for us.  Not many would, I don't think.  He said the rite of unbaptized infants is very rarely said.  But he got permission from the diocese to have it for us.  So we got to officially lay our babies to rest and know they're in the Hands of God now.  Phew.  Tomorrow might be rough.

Miscarriage - 1; Nicole - 0

Defeated.

I've used that term a lot lately.  And "empty."  Mentally and spiritually.  When I opened my blog to write a post, I noticed that part of the title of my last post was "healing."  Hahaha.  Joke's on me.

I'm not doing all that well.  And I'm surprised by it.  I never thought a miscarriage would have such an effect on me.  My husband said to a relative of mine, "You hear the word 'miscarriage' and it just doesn't do justice to what it actually is."  So true.  I've always felt sympathy for people who have miscarried.  But man...you can truly never understand until you've been there.

Upon the advice of some good friends and other very supportive bloggers, I decided to seek help.  Long story short, I googled "therapists in Delaware" and found one that looked promising.  As it turned out, she specializes in grief & loss, is a devout Catholic, and has suffered through 10 years of infertility herself.  And she's TEN MINUTES away from my house.  Divine intervention much???  I could not have been luckier!

I saw her a couple of times before Christmas because I was dreading Christmas.  I have three pregnant relatives, all of whom would have been at the same get-together.  My therapist gave me some tips on how to get through it, so I was feeling better.  But then things started to look even more promising when a snowstorm delayed our travel plans, and we ended up driving on the day of that particular get-together, thus missing it.

My optimism didn't last long.  I'm way too exhausted to dredge through the details yet again, but suffice it to say, the week was HORRIBLE.  Unsympathetic family, everyone saying the wrong things (instead of just saying nothing, like I'd asked), and now a mother who isn't talking to me because I "didn't appreciate" what she did to help me over the holidays.  Yea.  You read that right.  I even had a meltdown one night and admitted that I'm doing everything wrong, handling this terribly, and being totally un-Christ-like, but that I have no idea how to get through this.  So I guess I thought maybe I'd be cut a little slack if I wasn't acting appropriately.  Silly me.

Besides the fact that I'm still grieving over the loss of my child (it was only two months ago, for crying out loud!), now I have family completely abandoning me in my time of need.  Uuuuggghhh.  I'm seriously going to be in therapy for a LONG time.

But it IS helping.  I highly recommend therapy for anyone who is grieving.  I've never, ever been a "therapy-type" if that makes any sense.  It was hard for me to even admit that I needed to see one.  But a really good friend, who has had four miscarriages, really encouraged me to seek help.  I'm so glad I did.  Sometimes you just need it.  If you're ever in a situation where you feel you need help, I highly encourage you to do so.  And spiritual direction as well.  I'm continuing that with my priest.  I hope between the two, I'll be able to find peace soon!

Follow-Up and Healing

I had my follow-up appointment today with my Ob.  Everything looks good physically, thank God.  She said I can resume normal activity, gradually.  I still have to get some labwork to check my iron levels (I lost so much blood I was anemic when I left the hospital), but otherwise I'm allowed to resume exercise (desperately needed), abdominal workouts, and most importantly TTC.

However, she warned me that it is recommended to wait 3-6 months after a m/c to TTC again.  She said the risk of a subsequent m/c is higher soon afterwards.  I asked her why that is and she said it's a number of things - hormones, uterine lining can still be inflamed, basically just that your body isn't quite back to normal yet.

I was initially disappointed but maybe it's better.  Maybe I just need some time to not think about all of this IF, m/c, TTC stuff for awhile.  Even if I wait 3 months, it will put me in Feb/March, which is when Marshall was conceived, and I'd LOVE another holiday baby.  Of course, that's assuming I conceive right away.  And even though the last 2 pregnancies have happened on my first cycle of trying (or even without a cycle, in Marshall's case!), I've learned nothing is certain.  I just desperately want to be pregnant before Baby Frances' due date or I might have to be committed on May 21, 2013.  Prayers.

I heard back from my priest with our options for memorializing our babies - both Baby Gerard (Marshall's twin) and Baby Frances.  Here was his reply:

Hi Nicole, if you would like I could say an actual funeral mass for your miscarried [babies] (I think I can do both at once), because the funeral rite for children has alternative prayers for children who died before receiving baptism (the bodily remains do NOT have to be present). or there is a service in the Book of Blessings for parents of miscarried children, which is a service, not a mass. or we could have a memorial mass for miscarried children of the parish and invite other families who suffered the same thing. let me know what you want and we will talk dates and times. Fr John

I really like the idea of having a memorial mass for miscarried children and being able to invite others who have experienced it, especially since I'm seriously considering starting a diocesan IF/miscarriage support group.  On the other hand, I would really like to have something private for our babies and allow them to be recognized by name.

Any thoughts or suggestions?  Have any of you done anything like this?

I just feel so incredibly blessed to have a priest who is so pro-life and understanding and so willing to work with us on this.

"Yeah, I'm definitely going to have one more."

That was said to me during a conversation at the gym.  Right after I found out I was pregnant, I was in a conversation with a gym acquaintance who has a daughter about the same age as Marshall.  She asked if I was going to have any more kids.  Let me just tell you - I HATE THAT FREAKING QUESTION.  Hate it.    Because - like I know!!!  I have gotten bold recently and usually answer, "Well, I've learned that it's not always up to me."  In other words, "Hint, hint, don't ask people that, you moron."  But this time I already knew I was pregnant, but obviously we weren't telling people so I just said, "Hopefully."

Her response?  "Yeah, I'm definitely going to have one more."  Oh, really???  You know that for sure???  It was so nonchalant, like, "Oh yeah, I have my whole reproductive life figured out and I'm going to have my perfect three kids and then probably get my tubes tied and my life will be effing perfect."

Ok, I might have made up that last quote.  But it made me SO mad - even before my miscarriage - and I'm not even really sure why.  I guess because I've learned the hard way that this is soooooo not up to us.  This is not how I expected my reproductive life to go.  I didn't foresee having 4 years of secondary IF, then getting pregnant with twins, then losing a twin, then getting pregnant again right away and then miscarrying.  I mean, I know no one anticipates that.  Most people have a sort of plan, or the way they think their childbearing will go, and for a lot of people, that's exactly what happens.  Good for them.  But what about the rest of us???

I've also learned that there's not a lot of empathy going around for people like the rest of us.  True, it's impossible to understand what we're going through if you've never experienced IF or m/c.  But I feel there is also very little attempt to understand.  There are so few support groups.  I guess that's why our little blogosphere is so popular!

And praise God for it.  I've found so much support from you guys.  Stacy has been like a big sister.  I don't know how I'll ever repay her.  And so many of you have offered prayers and advice.  JoAnna recommended this book and I've just started it. It brings up a lot of emotion, but I think it will be good for my healing process.  If you have suffered from m/c, I highly suggest it:

My hubby also suggested I start The Problem of Pain .  It's a tough read, but I think it will also be good for me.

And for some escape from the real world, I'm halfway through this.

This whole thing has also reinforced my desire to start an IF support group in my diocese.  It's just that now I'll add miscarriage support to it.  Please pray for me in that endeavor.  I have a lot of discerning to do regarding my pro-life work and this new frontier.  I hope I'm on the right path.

After the Fact - Part 2

I actually MISS my baby.  I want to hold her so badly.  (Yes, I just know she was a girl.)  My babies would have been 18 months apart.  But I really tried not to get too excited before my first trimester was up.  I learned that the hard way with Marshall's twin.  But it was still pretty exciting to have babies so close in age, after such a big gap between Jack and Marshall.

While all the ups and downs of my first tri were going on, I found out my sister-in-law, who married my brother in July, was pregnant.  

I also found out that my cousin's wife is pregnant again.  They have a son a couple months older than Marshall and their kids will be 19 months apart.  I was so excited that we would have kids so close in age again (and that mine would be closer together).

I have another cousin who is 7 months pregnant.

All of these people I'll see at Christmas.  If I'm even able to go.  I was seriously considering anti-depressants a few days ago.  My mom left on Monday.  That was the worst of them.  I was unable to function.  I cried all day.  I've been through all of the emotions.  But unlike with IF, when I was pissed at God (and told Him), I've been neutral in my reaction to God so far.  I don't know if I'm still trying to figure out my feelings towards His will, or if I just haven't gotten that far yet.  I know I'm not particularly happy with the fact that He gave me a child and then took it away in such a traumatic and horrible manner.  But I haven't screamed at Him yet either.       Yet.

I was told by a friend that I would be mad at my husband and that it would be difficult to accept his offers to help because he wouldn't know what to do.  Thankfully I've found it to be the opposite.  He was so solid.  He was so there.  I know he felt/feels helpless, but he's doing his best and I recognize and appreciate it.  The other night, he just let me cry into his shoulder.  It's what I needed.  And I know this is affecting him like he never thought it would.

Then there's other family.  Siblings who just don't get it and say insensitive things.  My mom, who feels terrible that she had to leave.  My dad, who I can tell is hurting from it, which makes it hurt for me even more.  Extended family who I haven't spoken to, but who have sent their prayers and condolences.

But one thing I've learned, no matter how badly you may feel for someone who miscarries - you'll never understand unless you've been there.  

And it's awful.

I've talked to our priest about having a memorial mass for our lost babies.  I hope that will provide some closure.  We named Marshall's twin Gerard since St. Gerard was so instrumental in gaining my fertility back, and this baby Frances, after Padre Pio.  We also have one more saint in Heaven, my would-have-been-adopted Baby Jude.  We'll include him in our memorial mass as well. 

I have NO idea what God has planned for this.  I'll be 35 in February and I pray that I still have time for a couple more blessings.  I hope and pray.  In the meantime, I really hope that I was able to release a couple of souls from Purgatory.  This suffering can't be for nothing. It just can't be.