Saturday, February 22, 2014


Jealousy.  It's a vice I've struggled with my entire life.  I HATE it.  But I find myself constantly in the throes of it.  WHY???  I have a great life.  Wonderful husband, 2...going on  Nice house, new car (granted, a minivan, but it's new! ;).  I don't have anything to be jealous of.  

But man, the scars of IF and miscarriage run deep.  Like I said, I've struggled my whole life with this vice, so there are other things besides IF & m/c that I've dealt with in the past.  But right now?  The last few years?  It's IF and m/c.  100%.  I don't know if/when/how I'll find peace. 

One of the major things I'm struggling with right now is family.  A family member got married young, and got pregnant right away.  They had their baby about 3 weeks before my miscarried baby was due.  She's now about 9 months old and I recently found out they're expecting again.  I guess the cavalierness of their attitude about it is what grates my nerves so much.  They're all "Oh, it was unplanned" with an eye roll.  Ah eye roll.  Upon grilling them and their NFP practices, I find out they thought they were in the "safe zone"....using "day 10".  Come to find out, they were using "day 10" from the LAST day of her period.  My head almost exploded.  You don't even understand when your cycle starts?!?!??  Granted, I know more about all this stuff than a lot of people, having been through what I've been through.  But OMG.  That's basic information!!!  I wanted to scream.  They're just so naive, and that, I suppose, makes my jealousy even more severe.  

She also didn't even know how far along she was, but she "thought" about 3 months.  Hadn't seen a doctor yet, in an entire trimester of pregnancy, and didn't have a clue how far along she was.  I just can't........

Anyway, I've had a lot of people ask me assumingly, "Doesn't being pregnant make you feel better?" (about my miscarriage).  I still lost a child.  This baby doesn't replace that baby.  There are still two baby-sized holes in my heart that will never be filled until I hold them in Heaven.  I'm still trying to figure out the best response to questions like that, but unfortunately I'm realizing that until people experience this loss themselves, they'll NEVER get it.  Some are certainly more sympathetic than others.  And some just aren't at all.  

You know how sometimes you wish someone could experience something without having to go through it?  I would never wish miscarriage on my worst enemy.  But I so wish people could somehow experience very briefly it without it actually happening to them.  Because I feel there's a severe lack of understanding and compassion with regards to m/c in our society.  I haven't talked much about my experience with my own family through this process, because they do have access to this blog.  But all my siblings are quite a bit younger and haven't experienced anything like IF or m/c yet (who knows if they ever will), which makes it SO hard to relate. It also makes some of their comments and "advice" rather harsh.  I would have hoped they would still have some compassion for my situation, if not understanding.  But unfortunately it has been a struggle.

I also struggle with some sort of twisted "competitiveness"...that I have to have more babies than "so & so" because I'm Catholic and open to life and always wanted a big family.  I KNOW how sick that sounds, but here's me saying it out loud.  Plus I love being counter-cultural, and since a bunch of my friends have 3 kids, I have to have 4.  Or 5.  Or however many I can.  Don't judge...I know it's insane.

Maybe it's hormones, but these feelings have been bubbling to the surface recently.  Like I said, I haven't talked much about my post-miscarriage issues on this blog.  Looking back, I really wish I had.  I know I would have found the support I needed here.  So I'm just sort of getting around to it.  At 35 weeks pregnant.  Makes perfect sense, right?

In the meantime, any advice on prayers for overcoming miscarriage and/or jealousy would be much appreciated!

If you're having trouble getting friends and family to understand your miscarriage, I found this link incredibly helpful.  I passed it along to a few people, in the hopes that they might understand why what they were saying, while well-intended, just wasn't helpful.  


  1. I want to say thank you. Soul to soul, thank you for this post. You see I am that very fertile woman that might make you very jealous. It has often been my own burden. I don't say that to hurt you. I am saying thank you because I don't understand your side. Your post helps. At times I have felt, why chart, either way we will have another one. I have also lost two precious souls. I named them and claim them always. It doesn't matter that I have 11 on earth, I ache for those two often. Honestly you never get over it. I think, and have found with all my female peers in our homeschool group that naming and stating helps. So when asked how many kids I have I always answer 11 on earth and two in heaven. My children have real relationships with their siblings in heaven. During open heart surgery one of my children "played at the park" with her brother that she has never met on earth. He told her that when she woke up he was to tell the family that he loves us very much, he prays with us from heaven, and he looks forward to our reunion. I blogged about it within her surgery blog, very long but our Declan played an important roll. Our loss of David was hard also but I now knew that God had a plan. I also had a friend die of pancreatic cancer. As she was dying her biggest fear was for her children, while her 13 year old said "Troy and I can take care of dad, but who will take care of you?" One night our Lady appeared to her holding a baby. Mary told her "I have cared for this in heaven while he wait for you and I promise to watch over your earthly children until they can join you." In her time of suffering her own death she had forgotten her miscarriage of ten years ago. God has a plan for each life. My Declan helped his sister when no one else could, my David and Declan sat with the twins when they were in NICU and were too fragile for us to hold, and Linda's lost baby was there to take care of her in Heaven so that her earthly children would not worry about their mom. Your lost ones are not without purpose. You might not ever learn that purpose, but know that you have completed your mission as a mother in getting them to heaven!

  2. Hi Neen! Thank you so much for your comment! I maintain that no matter how many children a mother has on earth, a lost baby is a tragedy that should be grieved!

    I'm so glad my post was able to help you understand "our side" in some way. I don't speak for all women who have miscarried or dealt with IF, of course. But having been a part of this "community" for several years now, I do know that a lot of my feelings towards it have been validated. Sometimes that's all you need in a world that tends to trivialize these things. You're right - you NEVER get over it. Because you're always thinking of what might have been. Their due dates, how they'd interact with siblings, etc. I think it's wonderful that you talk about your lost babies with your children. It's so important to humanize those babies...make them "real".

    I love your story too, of your friend with cancer. You're totally right - every one of our babies has a purpose. But sometimes it's still difficult because we wanted that purpose to be here, with us, in our arms. But I guess that's what we have to look forward to in the next life - finally holding them in our arms!

    Thanks again for your thoughtful comment! God bless.

  3. Envy - straight up envy, not even jealousy (which is far nicer) - is like my top pet sin. And it's a mortal one too. Pretty awesome, right? I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I do grieve for those who do. Nothing replaces that child. I wish people were a little more sensitive to that. Not that I am some fantastic example of how to interact with other people, either, but yeah...

    The family member you describe... yes... I would struggle with that too. Sometimes I feel like I am paying for my past sins that everything required so much WORK... just getting married felt like this huge scaled mountain. Who are these people that just fall in love and get married young... and on of THAT just conceive their beautiful family so easily without a care in the world??? I sometimes feel like they are the blessed ones, and I am just the one paying for being so messed up earlier. Super healthy, I know! (And I don't see others struggling in that light... it's how I perceive myself).

  4. Ah, Sarah, you're right. I was probably far too generous with myself to not use the word envy. Honestly. Totally agree with your last sentence! I tell people "God doesn't work that way" with a little caveat in my mind: "Except on me." Insane!

  5. Hey, I'm proud of you for speaking up! Keep writing! These feelings after a miscarriage are ugly and messy. I'm at risk for a second miscarriage in 16 weeks, meanwhile I've got five healthy kids running around my house. Guess what? Miscarriage still sucks for me! I think that it is a hard part of being pro-life--we bound with our babies fast. Lots of encouragement. It's Lent. Time to wrestle with our inner junk. Hopefully, you'll be so calm and peaceful by the time your sweet little shows up!

  6. Nicole - Congratulations! I have been away from the IF blogs for a while, so I am just now learning of your wonderful news! I am so happy for you! I pray that all is going well for you.

    Envy is also something that I struggle with in regards to people being pregnant. I have found it has not really gone away since "overcoming" secondary infertility, either. I just wrote a post about it. I guess this is something that is quite common among IF'ers.