I guess I was right

Remember this post?  About our "abundant blessing" that I didn't believe I deserved?  Well, I guess I was right.  We had our 12 week ultrasound last week and received some bad news.  We lost one of the twins.  The healthy baby measured 13 weeks and the one we lost measured 9 weeks.  So we had apparently lost him around 4 weeks prior...probably around the time we started announcing it to family and friends.  The good news is that the healthy baby was moving and kicking around, appeared very healthy, and measured a week larger than he should have been, so that's a good thing.  And I even felt him kick yesterday.  But I'm still nervous.  I have a more detailed ultrasound coming up in late June, which feels like eons away.  They're fairly sure the twins were totally separate, but they need to make sure I guess.

It's been a tough week but luckily I've had a lot going on with family in town to keep my mind on other things.  It's a mixed bag of emotions.  I lost a child, yet I still have one in my womb.  I feel guilty grieving for the lost baby, as though I'm not excited about the healthy baby.  But then I feel guilty not grieving for the baby I've lost.  And of course, I'm still excited that we're expecting.  It's going to take some time.  Any prayers for the healthy baby would be appreciated beyond words.