Vice

Jealousy.  It's a vice I've struggled with my entire life.  I HATE it.  But I find myself constantly in the throes of it.  WHY???  I have a great life.  Wonderful husband, 2...going on 3...kids.  Nice house, new car (granted, a minivan, but it's new! ;).  I don't have anything to be jealous of.  

But man, the scars of IF and miscarriage run deep.  Like I said, I've struggled my whole life with this vice, so there are other things besides IF & m/c that I've dealt with in the past.  But right now?  The last few years?  It's IF and m/c.  100%.  I don't know if/when/how I'll find peace. 

One of the major things I'm struggling with right now is family.  A family member got married young, and got pregnant right away.  They had their baby about 3 weeks before my miscarried baby was due.  She's now about 9 months old and I recently found out they're expecting again.  I guess the cavalierness of their attitude about it is what grates my nerves so much.  They're all "Oh, it was unplanned" with an eye roll.  Ah yes...an eye roll.  Upon grilling them and their NFP practices, I find out they thought they were in the "safe zone"....using "day 10".  Come to find out, they were using "day 10" from the LAST day of her period.  My head almost exploded.  You don't even understand when your cycle starts?!?!??  Granted, I know more about all this stuff than a lot of people, having been through what I've been through.  But OMG.  That's basic information!!!  I wanted to scream.  They're just so naive, and that, I suppose, makes my jealousy even more severe.  

She also didn't even know how far along she was, but she "thought" about 3 months.  Hadn't seen a doctor yet, in an entire trimester of pregnancy, and didn't have a clue how far along she was.  I just can't........

Anyway, I've had a lot of people ask me assumingly, "Doesn't being pregnant make you feel better?" (about my miscarriage).  Ummm...no.  I still lost a child.  This baby doesn't replace that baby.  There are still two baby-sized holes in my heart that will never be filled until I hold them in Heaven.  I'm still trying to figure out the best response to questions like that, but unfortunately I'm realizing that until people experience this loss themselves, they'll NEVER get it.  Some are certainly more sympathetic than others.  And some just aren't at all.  

You know how sometimes you wish someone could experience something without having to go through it?  I would never wish miscarriage on my worst enemy.  But I so wish people could somehow experience very briefly it without it actually happening to them.  Because I feel there's a severe lack of understanding and compassion with regards to m/c in our society.  I haven't talked much about my experience with my own family through this process, because they do have access to this blog.  But all my siblings are quite a bit younger and haven't experienced anything like IF or m/c yet (who knows if they ever will), which makes it SO hard to relate. It also makes some of their comments and "advice" rather harsh.  I would have hoped they would still have some compassion for my situation, if not understanding.  But unfortunately it has been a struggle.

I also struggle with some sort of twisted "competitiveness"...that I have to have more babies than "so & so" because I'm Catholic and open to life and always wanted a big family.  I KNOW how sick that sounds, but here's me saying it out loud.  Plus I love being counter-cultural, and since a bunch of my friends have 3 kids, I have to have 4.  Or 5.  Or however many I can.  Don't judge...I know it's insane.

Maybe it's hormones, but these feelings have been bubbling to the surface recently.  Like I said, I haven't talked much about my post-miscarriage issues on this blog.  Looking back, I really wish I had.  I know I would have found the support I needed here.  So I'm just sort of getting around to it.  At 35 weeks pregnant.  Makes perfect sense, right?

In the meantime, any advice on prayers for overcoming miscarriage and/or jealousy would be much appreciated!

If you're having trouble getting friends and family to understand your miscarriage, I found this link incredibly helpful.  I passed it along to a few people, in the hopes that they might understand why what they were saying, while well-intended, just wasn't helpful.  

False Alarm!

So I was in the hospital the other night.  I was having contractions 2 minutes apart, and thought my water broke.  The contractions weren't painful...more like menstrual cramps.  But they were coming more than six/hour, so I had to call.  My doc said, "You need to come in."

So my wonderful neighbor came over (and while we were gone, folded laundry, washed dishes, and picked up toys, God bless her) while the boys were sleeping and we headed to L&D.  I was pretty sure I was going into labor at 34 weeks/5 days.

I was relatively nervous, for several reasons, but mainly because the last bio-physical profile I had showed that she was transverse.  I thought I'd felt her flip last week, but couldn't be sure.  I'm also just not ready!  I JUST washed all of her clothes, and I literally packed my hospital bag right before we left.  She doesn't even have a place to sleep yet!  Eek!

So after being hooked up to all the machines, I was definitely contracting.  But they tested my fluid and thank God...it wasn't amniotic fluid.  They also did a test (can't think of the name for the life of me) that shows a less than 1% chance that I'll go into pre-term labor.  Which makes me a lot less nervous.  I was less than 1 cm dilated and 0% effaced, so in no way was I in labor.

They did give me a BPP that night, and this baby is weighing EIGHT pounds, four ounces!!!  And measuring 38-39 weeks! I know that can be off a bit, but they say from 1 lb to 1.5 lb.  That means she could still be 7 lbs right now.  So now it's a catch 22.  I don't want to go into early labor, but I also don't want a 12 pound baby!!

They were concerned that her size is due to possible gestational diabetes, so I get to have that fun 3 hour test tomorrow (both of my one-hours have come back normal - not even close to danger zone).  But there's also the chance that she's just a large baby!

So I'll have my glucose test tomorrow, and in the meantime stay hydrated and "rested" (hahahahaha.  I've been ordered to lay on the couch most of the day.  I think that's happened for a total of an hour today).  Hopefully I won't have any birth updates within the next 2 weeks.  I'm 35 weeks today! :)

I won't be marching this year

Today is tough for me.  January 22nd is a roller coaster of emotions every year.  Sad that we're yet again commemorating another million lives lost.  Yet hopeful and optimistic at the hundreds of thousands of others like me willing to brave travel and cold to stand up for the voiceless.

But this year is different because it's the first year in many that I won't be attending.  It has nothing to do with the weather (I actually love this stuff!).  It's just that it's too much and too long of a day, being 7 months pregnant, and having a toddler in tow.  Don't get me wrong - it's THE BEST reason to have to miss the march - EVER!!!  But it's bittersweet to only be able to participate via social media and EWTN.

I participated through 4 years of secondary infertility (at least one of those days I got CD1 on THE day of the March, which just seemed like a slap in the face!).  I participated 2 months after a miscarriage.  So yes, this year is a much better reason to not be participating, and I thank God daily (hourly...minutely) for this blessing!!  But I'm still sad not to be there.

If you've never been, please please please make it a point to go to one soon.  It's the most amazing experience.  But better yet, please pray and act that we may never need to have another March for Life ever again!!  41 years is quite long enough.

Need some 3rd tri advice

So I've been here twice before, so I know how tough the third trimester can be, regarding uncomfortability, heartburn, sleeplessness, swelling, water retention....all that fun stuff.

But this past week has brought on a brand new symptom: emotional basketcaseness.  O.M.G.  I'm out of control lately.  I mean...crying at the drop of a hat, screaming at my poor kids (again, at the drop of a hat), etc.  I get this way every once in awhile when I'm running on VERY little sleep, but am able to get over it by, well, getting more sleep.  But I've been sleeping pretty well lately.

Has anyone ever experienced this?  Is it hormones?  Cabin fever (I did get out today and felt much better this afternoon, but I went to the gym yesterday and it was probably my worst day, so 6 of one...)?  General physical exhaustion?

It's true that the last 2 times I've gone through the third tri I haven't been keeping up with school and extra-curricular schedules AND chasing around a psychotic screaming toddler.  Maybe I'm just overextended??  Gah!!!  Thoughts??  And is there ANYTHING I can do???  Help!!!!

28 weeks

Isn't that a movie?  Anyway, not for this post.  That's how far along I am.  I know...I haven't even really "announced" here that I'm expecting again.  And did I mention it's a girl?!?  After 2 boys, everyone asks me ALL the time, "Aren't you excited?"  And I am...but honestly, after a miscarriage, the last thing I was concerned about was the sex of the baby.  AT ALL.  People who have never experienced infertility or miscarriage have the luxury of caring about that trivial stuff.  God bless them, they have no idea.  But the question gets a little infuriating after awhile.

The first trimester lasted an eternity (in my head), and every tiny little movement, lack thereof, symptom, etc, I over-analyzed to the point of psychosis.  But alas, we are now in the third trimester (!!!) and everything has gone absolutely smoothly so far.  I've had about 5 ultrasounds, and they've all been perfect, thank you GOD!!!  I even had some bleeding around 9 weeks and was sure it was over.  But we went in for an emergency ultrasound and the little pistol was in there moving around.  She's gonna give me a stroke one day, I'm sure.

At my last ultrasound, which was at 26 weeks, they noticed that her stomach was measuring bigger than the rest of her body (29 weeks!!!).  They were concerned about my glucose, but I just got the results of my last one-hour glucose test, and it wasn't even remotely near the danger zone.  My OB isn't concerned, she said we'll just keep an eye on her overall size, so she doesn't get too big.  But I'm wondering if anyone else has ever had this issue and what the result was.  DON'T TELL ME if it's a horror story.  Please - I DO NOT need unnecessary worry right now!!!  Haha!  But if you have any insight, let me know.

Eventually I'll post an ultrasound pic.  But today is a snow day and I just don't have it in me to walk upstairs to the scanner right now!  :)