Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Miscarriage - 1; Nicole - 0


I've used that term a lot lately.  And "empty."  Mentally and spiritually.  When I opened my blog to write a post, I noticed that part of the title of my last post was "healing."  Hahaha.  Joke's on me.

I'm not doing all that well.  And I'm surprised by it.  I never thought a miscarriage would have such an effect on me.  My husband said to a relative of mine, "You hear the word 'miscarriage' and it just doesn't do justice to what it actually is."  So true.  I've always felt sympathy for people who have miscarried.  But can truly never understand until you've been there.

Upon the advice of some good friends and other very supportive bloggers, I decided to seek help.  Long story short, I googled "therapists in Delaware" and found one that looked promising.  As it turned out, she specializes in grief & loss, is a devout Catholic, and has suffered through 10 years of infertility herself.  And she's TEN MINUTES away from my house.  Divine intervention much???  I could not have been luckier!

I saw her a couple of times before Christmas because I was dreading Christmas.  I have three pregnant relatives, all of whom would have been at the same get-together.  My therapist gave me some tips on how to get through it, so I was feeling better.  But then things started to look even more promising when a snowstorm delayed our travel plans, and we ended up driving on the day of that particular get-together, thus missing it.

My optimism didn't last long.  I'm way too exhausted to dredge through the details yet again, but suffice it to say, the week was HORRIBLE.  Unsympathetic family, everyone saying the wrong things (instead of just saying nothing, like I'd asked), and now a mother who isn't talking to me because I "didn't appreciate" what she did to help me over the holidays.  Yea.  You read that right.  I even had a meltdown one night and admitted that I'm doing everything wrong, handling this terribly, and being totally un-Christ-like, but that I have no idea how to get through this.  So I guess I thought maybe I'd be cut a little slack if I wasn't acting appropriately.  Silly me.

Besides the fact that I'm still grieving over the loss of my child (it was only two months ago, for crying out loud!), now I have family completely abandoning me in my time of need.  Uuuuggghhh.  I'm seriously going to be in therapy for a LONG time.

But it IS helping.  I highly recommend therapy for anyone who is grieving.  I've never, ever been a "therapy-type" if that makes any sense.  It was hard for me to even admit that I needed to see one.  But a really good friend, who has had four miscarriages, really encouraged me to seek help.  I'm so glad I did.  Sometimes you just need it.  If you're ever in a situation where you feel you need help, I highly encourage you to do so.  And spiritual direction as well.  I'm continuing that with my priest.  I hope between the two, I'll be able to find peace soon!


  1. I felt called to pray for you today, and now I know why. **hugs**

  2. I'm so glad that you are seeking and getting good help. You will be in my prayers. I wish that I had seen a therapist after our miscarriage and following IF. We moved to Indy where I knew no one and I only worked part-time spending the rest of my time alone in front of the tv. It was bad and I was so isolated for more than a year. In retrospect I was depressed and should have sought help. I pray you will feel total healing soon!

  3. I kind of wish I would have talked to someone professionally while we were waiting, so I understand even if I don't. Also, its so hard...that place of knowing you're being unchristlike but not knowing what else to do because its SO CONSUMING. I get that part of it. I wish family members got that it just wasn't about them and that it's really about this other painful thing going on...praying for you :(

  4. I'm praying for you. Miscarriage is horrible. As Americans, we do not do grief well culturally. And Miscarriage is the worse of all infant death.

    I found that we act like the longer the baby is on earth--the more a mother has the right to mourn. There is this scale where if the baby lives two hours after birth, the Mom is alright to mourn more than in a miscarriage.

    That's just baloney. We love our babies--in the womb and out of the womb.

    One book I liked called "Letter to Gabrielle" that was written by Rick Santorm's wife--she received a very generous comment from a fellow Senator's wife who lost a twenty year old daughter in a car accident. The Mother who lost an older child said she had all of the memories they had together to comfort her in her grief--she knew her child. She knew that her child knew her and knew that she was deeply loved. She thought that quote "infant death was harder because you are grieving a relationship you never got a chance to start, you're grieving someone you never got to meet."

    So this type of grief really hard. You can't go out and start a foundation--because you don't know what disease or birth defect your child died of. You don't know his favorite color or his favorite toy. You don't have a video in your phone to review.

    Also, it's really hard because miscarriage is private. You're kid didn't die in the NICU at some hospital. So you don't see other parents with this cross. You don't have a nurse or a hospital chaplin next to you. You don't have a community of people to talk about your emotions with.

    And sometimes I feel like women of child bearing age are the worse ones to give comfort because they are all afraid of this happening to them and they have their own hidden miscarriage pain they are not dealing with--or they want to believe that if this happens to them in the future it's not going to be a big deal.

    Many prayers. You are not alone!

  5. Hi, I just stumbled across your blog to find this unhappy news. I lost my baby last July, and am still reeling from it. Oh dear, how my heart goes out to you!

    You are so right to understand how a person can never know what it is like unless she has gone through it herself. Your family just cannot fathom the pain you are in. I don't mean you should excuse them for it, but only that it is sometimes helpful to seek support outside of your family.

    I started my blog as a way to cope with my miscarriage, while I was going to therapy myself. I strongly support your decision to go to therapy. I read many books after losing our little one, and none of them said what I needed them to say, even the ones I "should" have liked. Seeking support in a way that works for you is the best route.

    Please, allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need to, even if other people do not understand (my husband constantly asked when I was going to "get over it" even though he is usually so supportive). I finally had to tell him I will NEVER get over it. His choices are to fight me and my emotions or to accept that I am changed by this and help me move forward. I think that could go for your family too.

    Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need to. My blog is and my email is katiejolariviere (at) gmail (dot) com.

    Please know I am praying for healing and peace for you.

  6. Oh my goodness, I can't thank all you ladies enough. You've all said everything so perfectly. I was reading your comments I kept saying, "YES! Exactly!" in my head! :) I can't thank you enough for your support and prayers!

  7. One other thing, to kind of touch on what Abigail said, my therapist calls miscarriage and IF, a "disenfranchised loss", in that, it's not like a "regular" loss, where people bring you dinners, help with carpool, etc, etc. It's a very lonely loss. Not everyone knows about it. And even those who do, may not fully comprehend that it's a very REAL loss.

    She also made the same point Abigail made in that people decide, based on how old or young someone is, how sorry they should feel for you. So it's like, "Well she never even met her baby, so I don't feel THAT bad for her" kind of thing.

    And this: "So this type of grief really hard. You can't go out and start a foundation--because you don't know what disease or birth defect your child died of. You don't know his favorite color or his favorite toy. You don't have a video in your phone to review." -- just...YES. Thank you!!

  8. I remember having thoughts of standing on our balcony, right after my baby died, and shouting out, "people, my baby died! How can you go on with your lives as if nothing happened?!"

    A well-meaning family member also told me it was a blessing because it happened before the second trimester. I just looked at her and said, "none of this is a blessing."

    For me, writing helped me to feel less lonely in this, because I met a community of people who understood what I was going through, and who were Catholic (which I found to be very important, and essential to healing).

    After a while, after I had felt much pain, and when I was really searching for answers I also read Job many many times. Especially the last part when Job says, "I have dealt with great things that I do not understand; things too wonderful for me which I cannot know. I had heard of you by word of mouth, but now my eye has seen you." I read it because it reminds me that God knows, and I don't always have to know why.

    May the Lord hold you in His arms right now, and may you look to Him for healing. Even though it feels like He is leaving you alone, He also knows the pain of losing his own.

  9. KJL, thank you! I never thought of reading Job. I'll do that tonight, for sure. And yes...if one more person tells me this is a "blessing" because my baby might have been sick, or something wrong, or XYZ, I might explode!!! I don't want to speculate on WHY my baby died!!! The point is - she died!!! Let me grieve!

    Writing here has helped so much because of wonderful people like you, and other Catholic IF bloggers who truly understand.

  10. Oh...and this quote from Padre Pio really helped me cope: "It is by means of trials that God binds to Him the souls He loves."

  11. I love that quote. It is such a beautiful reminder that the Lord is Love in all things. Thank you for sharing that with me.

  12. I'm just catching up! I am so sorry!!!! Oh the agony of hopes soaring and then dashed!!! I am so so so sorry for your loss. Praying, friend.

  13. I came across your blog while going through the blog list of another blogger. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a tough thing with no rules or directions. My advice is to be gentle with yourself. You've suffered a great loss. It's normal to be upset, especially during such a hard time like the holidays. I'm so sorry your family seems to not understand your pain and grief. I think talking to someone who is trained in this area is a great idea and a very good way to take care of you and your emoitonal health. Praying for you.

  14. Peace be with you.

    My mom had a miscarriage about 40 years ago, I speculate what could have been in terms of a sibling. You always know someone is missing or wonder.


  15. I'm so sorry, Nicole. I haven't been reading blogs and I just feel terrible that you're suffering and I didn't know to pray for you. But I will lift you in prayer for sure. I wish I knew more to say. I don't know the agony of miscarriage but I so appreciate your honesty. Your words and many others' regarding miscarriage stick to my heart. I wonder if its because The Lord is preparing me for maybe having to experience it one day. I hope not. Anyway, praying for you dear friend. And yes to therapy! I've gone since my parents went through their divorce. It helps tremendously.

  16. I was so sad to read this. Miscarriage is so very difficult. And therapy is the best thing I have done. I started when we lost my sisters fiancee and had a loss after my boys as well. Now dh and I are going together. So glad we are. Praying for you.

  17. You know I am praying and griving with you here...

    for as long as it takes...

    forever really...

    Carla - Henry's mom

  18. Nicole - I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. You're right, I don't understand what you are going through. I am just so sorry that you are not getting the proper support from your family. I pray that you will gets tons of good help from this therapist. Thank you for encouraging others who are grieving to also seek help. It is definitely not a sign of weakness to say that you can't do it alone. Prayers for you.

  19. also walking the therapy walk right now. prayers for you.