Wednesday, November 21, 2012

"Yeah, I'm definitely going to have one more."

That was said to me during a conversation at the gym.  Right after I found out I was pregnant, I was in a conversation with a gym acquaintance who has a daughter about the same age as Marshall.  She asked if I was going to have any more kids.  Let me just tell you - I HATE THAT FREAKING QUESTION.  Hate it.    Because - like I know!!!  I have gotten bold recently and usually answer, "Well, I've learned that it's not always up to me."  In other words, "Hint, hint, don't ask people that, you moron."  But this time I already knew I was pregnant, but obviously we weren't telling people so I just said, "Hopefully."

Her response?  "Yeah, I'm definitely going to have one more."  Oh, really???  You know that for sure???  It was so nonchalant, like, "Oh yeah, I have my whole reproductive life figured out and I'm going to have my perfect three kids and then probably get my tubes tied and my life will be effing perfect."

Ok, I might have made up that last quote.  But it made me SO mad - even before my miscarriage - and I'm not even really sure why.  I guess because I've learned the hard way that this is soooooo not up to us.  This is not how I expected my reproductive life to go.  I didn't foresee having 4 years of secondary IF, then getting pregnant with twins, then losing a twin, then getting pregnant again right away and then miscarrying.  I mean, I know no one anticipates that.  Most people have a sort of plan, or the way they think their childbearing will go, and for a lot of people, that's exactly what happens.  Good for them.  But what about the rest of us???

I've also learned that there's not a lot of empathy going around for people like the rest of us.  True, it's impossible to understand what we're going through if you've never experienced IF or m/c.  But I feel there is also very little attempt to understand.  There are so few support groups.  I guess that's why our little blogosphere is so popular!

And praise God for it.  I've found so much support from you guys.  Stacy has been like a big sister.  I don't know how I'll ever repay her.  And so many of you have offered prayers and advice.  JoAnna recommended this book and I've just started it. It brings up a lot of emotion, but I think it will be good for my healing process.  If you have suffered from m/c, I highly suggest it:

My hubby also suggested I start The Problem of Pain .  It's a tough read, but I think it will also be good for me.

And for some escape from the real world, I'm halfway through this.

This whole thing has also reinforced my desire to start an IF support group in my diocese.  It's just that now I'll add miscarriage support to it.  Please pray for me in that endeavor.  I have a lot of discerning to do regarding my pro-life work and this new frontier.  I hope I'm on the right path.


  1. Nicole, you have such a sweet heart... praying that Our Lord will continue to give you strength and healing. Our little corner of the blogosphere has been such a comfort to me... so definitely praying for your discernment to start a support group. There is a girl who teaches Creighton in our parish... she has a sign up in the lobby area and all but one of her slips with her phone number have been taken. It makes me think there are many more couples with IF in our parish.

  2. I know- I hate that if its "so" easy...right?! God Bless your heart and I am thinking of you and praying for you.

  3. Some people plan out their whole lives, and their whole life works out perfectly as planned. I don't get it. I'm not one of those people. Every dream I had, God has laughed at.

  4. Ugh...I hate that question too. I think you handled it with grace though! I will say it again...miscarriage and infertility suck.

  5. over the holidays, one particular side of my family kept asking if we were going to have more. For a variety of reasons, the question was getting under my skin, big time. I mean i really didn't expect to show up with a 2mo old and get asked about the next child. ugh. sooo sorry you had to go through this. a support group is a great idea.

  6. I'm so glad the book is helpful. Miscarriage is just so awful.

  7. I Hate that question so much. What I hate even more is "When are you going to have another?" How the heck should I know?!?
    I have started answering people with, "Whenever God sends them." It lets busybodies in our parish know that we're open to life without getting into all my issues.