But I also confessed to him that even with a tiny baby in the backseat, for some reason - and I hate it - I still instinctively get a twinge of...is it still jealousy?...whenever I get a pregnancy announcement. I told this to Mike and he said, "Well, you spent 5 years feeling 'bad' every time someone told you they were pregnant. You're sort of conditioned to react that way. It's hard to get over." And I think he's right.
Again - I hate reacting this way! I'm incredibly happy and grateful for what God has given me! And incredibly undeserving. I desperately want to get over feeling this way. But could it be that "once and infertile, always an infertile," no matter how many children you end up having in the end? I hope not, but as Hebrews recently wrote about, maybe it is best to never forget.
Or maybe, as I told a friend recently, that it's because in the back of my mind, I still feel like we were supposed to have two. And now there's a void that can never be filled. And I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible because I feel like that will somehow fill that void.
I just don't want to be conditioned. I want to be able to be genuinely happy for my pregnant friends without that happiness being tarnished by this stupid gut instinct. And I want to be able to just relax and enjoy my brand new precious blessing without feeling like there's something missing. Because there's not - I'm the luckiest gal in the world.