Sunday, June 12, 2011

But twins made so much sense

I wrote this awhile ago, intending to post it then, but decided to wait till my emotions leveled off a bit.

Like I said in my last post, my emotions have been all over the place since we found out about the loss of our baby.  I keep trying to figure it out (an exercise in futility, I know) because twins just MADE SENSE this time around.  I never thought of myself as a mom of multiples.  Never thought I could hack it.  But when we found out, it really seemed like the stars had aligned for this situation.

First and mainly, because of the failed adoption.  Again...not that our having twins was a "special present" for offering to save a baby from abortion.  But we had anticipated the possibility of raising non-biological twins had the birthmother chosen life, and it was something we were excited about.  Then we found out we were having twins biologically and it just seemed like, we were supposed to have two babies!

Also, I had always assumed I'd have three babies by two coming at the same time - just made sense.

Jack starts kindergarten full day in the fall, so I'd have more time to spend with the babies, and would be able to handle it better.

My mom has a flexible job where she's able to take some time off and had planned to come out for a couple of months after the babies were born.

The list goes on.

On the other hand, maybe I was right in the first place - I'm not cut out for multiples.

Or maybe God gave me twins in the first place because He knew He was going to take one, and He actually did me a favor.

Or, now that I know I can get pregnant again, maybe the next one will come in record time, almost like twins anyway!

Argh!  I know I can't know God's plan.  Duh.  And trying to figure it out is futile.  But I'm human and can't help but try.  Or at least agonize over the state of events and "what-ifs."  I probably sound crazy.  Thanks for all your prayers and support.  I couldn't get through all this without you ladies!


  1. When I miscarried twice last year I finally just stop trying to make sense of it and let myself love and mourn the loss of each child. It was painful, and still is, but I also realized that I will always be those children's mother because their souls did not die, only their bodies. The loss is only in temporal life, but not in eternity. They are with me every day and I can't look at my 4 month old son without thinking of them too. I'm so grateful for him.

    I hope you are feeling well. This must be bittersweet for you. I wish I had better advice but unfortunately loosing a child hurts like nothing else and it never stops. I'm sorry. You are and will be a wonderful mother to any child.

  2. It's so hard to know...

    All I know is my first baby saved me from a life of fatiuge and sickness. Without that miscarriage I would have never had known about my thyroid cancer. Now with an added bonus we have a saint in heaven.

    A child made only to glorify God in heaven for the rest of it's life. To sit at His feet an adore Him forever.... A saint was in your womb and eternally lives. It's hard to wrestle the emotions, but the fruit of your womb was a saint! :) It's mind blowing to me. ;)

  3. I'm so sorry, Nicole. It can be so difficult to make sense of it all. Love you and praying for grace.

  4. I understand trying to "get" God's plan...I do it all the time! I am praying that God continues to give you peace in all of this (hugs).

  5. Another reason to strive for heaven where all will be revealed!

  6. i never wrote after your miscarriage...i'm so sorry this happened. twins made sense from our view too...and i'm sure that it still makes sense from God's. one thing is for sure, your story is not over. praying for the grace to trust and follow.

  7. I'm so, so sorry.

  8. I know What you mean about trying to make sense of suffering. Why did God allow Leo to have a cleft palate? And did I do anything to cause it? Will it happen again? I don't know but I am OK with it (finally!) :)

  9. One day, God will lift the veil and all will be known. And when that happens, it will all make perfect sense! Praying for you and your grieving heart.

  10. It's completely human to try to find the "a-ha!" moment here on earth at the potential "end" to our sufferings. I had been trying to do that for years, but when there just was no possible answer to our not being allowed to adopt or foster, I had to stop thinking that way. The human way. And look at things from heaven's perspective. Our redemption, our Resurrection from the cross of suffering is not going to be in this world. Once we get to heaven, we will all experience the A-Ha moment... but while we may have blessing upon blessing here on earth, none of those blessings equals the Grand Finale, the "now it all makes sense" compared to what it will be in eternity.

    I said a prayer for you today at Our Lady of La Leche shrine.


  11. A friend of mine said to me - "eternity is forever changed"... eternity will never be the same...when we were talking about her miscarriage... I think that's really beautiful and I hope maybe it helps you a bit.

  12. Oh Nicole, I was so excited when you told us you were carrying twins and now the heartache of losing one. It's truly a mystery but I think it all boils down to our fallen nature. Our bodies don't work the way they should all the time. God would never want you to suffer, although He will allow it for reasons beyond our understanding. I know it has nothing to do with your capabilities as a mom. With His strength you can handle anything. Like this loss. I'm praying for you. Feel free to email me anytime. We have quite a connection with our secondary IF and also, I had a vanishing twin when I was pregnant with Mikey so I can kind of understand your loss. Praying for you :)

  13. I still feel so sad about your loss. A friend of mine lost one of her twin's that same week. I wish I had answers and comforting words! I like what Mary said about eternity being forever changed. You are the mom of twins with one in heaven.

  14. It's so hard not knowing why. But I agree with the others, that it will be such a joy to get the perfect answer one day! Praying for you!