After the Fact - Part 1

I've planned to write a post this week for two months.  It was supposed to be full of joy and excitement. Instead it's going to be full of loss, pain, and sorrow.

I found out on Sept. 13th that I was pregnant.  I remember the exact date because it's DH's birthday, but that was a complete accident.  I realized that morning that my FCP had told me to take a test on P+14 or 15, and that morning happened to be P+15.  I had zero expectations.  I knew there could be a chance it was positive since we did TTC on my peak day, but it was only my second cycle since Marshall was born, and the first that we would have had a chance to conceive.  So I was in shock when I got the BFP.

I've been dying to post about my first trimester because it has been filled with ups and downs and I've needed your support.  But my mom was coming to town this past weekend and I really wanted to tell her in person.  Since family has access to this blog, I didn't want to take a chance of her finding out this way.

I called the doc and got my blood test and had my first appointment, which was pretty routine since I had just been there a year and a half ago.  I had two ultrasounds, around 6 & 7 weeks.  They were a little unnerving.  In the first, the gestational sac only measured 5 weeks and they didn't see the fetal pole.  TCIE assured me that this is normal and not to worry.  My second ultrasound was at 7 weeks and we saw the heartbeat, but the baby only measured about 6 weeks.  Although my doc was happy and said it was consistent with the first and the heartbeat was strong so I didn't worry.  During the next few weeks my levels were monitored and were always perfect so I felt comfortable.

I had a routine appointment at 9 weeks and she didn't hear a heartbeat, but she assured me that this was normal and she could hear the uterine vessels which meant the baby was growing.  So again - I didn't worry. Three weeks later, at 11 weeks & 6 days, I had another appointment.  Still no heartbeat.  Doc was certain it was because I have a tilted uterus which makes it harder to hear (and I was technically not 12 weeks yet), but wanted to be sure, so we scheduled an ultrasound for the next day.

I was worried, but tried to stay positive.  After the u/s tech was done, I immediately knew something was wrong.  Instead of bringing my DH into the room to see the baby, she said she needed to show the images to the radiologist.  She tried assuring me that "this is routine procedure."  But I'm not stupid.  It's the exact same thing they told us when we lost Marshall's twin.  When everything is fine, they just call in DH and show us the baby.  They seriously need a new procedure.

I was made to wait about 20 minutes before they finally told us to go upstairs to the OB's office and talk to a doctor.  I knew it was over.  After another 15 minute wait he finally called me into a room and told me the baby only measured 8 weeks (I was now 12) and there was no heartbeat.

He told me I could have a D&C, wait for it to happen, or he could give me a pill to speed up the process.  I've never been here before.  I didn't know what to do or think.  He told me to go home and think about it and get in touch.

Just this choice was traumatic and painful for me. In my line of work, "D&C" has a certain connotation that didn't sit well with me (even though I knew the baby was already gone).  On the other hand, the thought of passing this baby at home was something I couldn't bear.  After asking advice from some bloggers (you know who you are, and I can't thank you enough), the next day I elected to have a D&C under sedation.  This was Friday afternoon and I was able to call my doc back and get it scheduled for 9am Saturday morning.

I felt so relieved just having made a decision.  I was unstable enough just having learned I lost a baby, but then the decision of "what to do" just piled on the agony.  So it was a huge weight lifted when I made the decision and had the procedure scheduled. The doctor said there was still a chance I could miscarry overnight.  I told him how terrified I was that I would pass the baby at home.  He said that since the baby had been gone for so long, there would likely not be any recognizable body. For my sanity, I had to believe that.

The relief didn't last.  I started bleeding at 8:30 Friday night.  A lot.  I know I don't have to tell a lot of you how unbelievably horrible miscarriage is.  But it's nothing I could have even imagined.  I was so pissed that God didn't at least let this wait until morning.  It was all such a nightmare, and then He had to go and keep piling on the shit.  But if there was a silver lining to all of this mess, it's that it happened at night when DH was at home, and it happened the weekend my mom was visiting.  At least she was able to be home with the boys.

My poor husband.  He was there for me through it all.  He's usually a pretty unemotional guy, but I've never seen him like this before.  He was visibly distraught.  But he was there.  He was my rock through all of it and I absolutely couldn't have gotten through it in one piece without him.

Especially since he had to drive me to the hospital at 2am.  The bleeding got so bad that I was feeling faint and came close to passing out several times.  He called the doc who told us to come to the hospital immediately.  I was terrified to get into the car because I was still bleeding but I knew we had no choice.

When we got there by blood pressure was extremely low and I had tachycardia (heart rate over 100).  And apparently I was as white a ghost.  They put me on IV and a heart monitor.  Thank God they were able to get my heart rate down rather quickly, and stabilize my blood pressure.

They took me to the OR around 3:30am and I got an emergency D&C.  They told me there was a chance I would need a blood transfusion.  The procedure didn't take long and I was only under an IV sedative.  I had to stay at the hospital all day on Saturday so they could monitor me, and make sure my blood count went up, because there was still a chance I'd need a transfusion.  They finally released me at 6pm and were happy with my count - it was low, but within range of not needing one.

I'm supposed to take it easy this week.  I still get woozy sometimes and I have a headache that I cannot shake.  But physically I'm getting better.  Emotionally it's still rough but I've gotten out the last 2 days (and showered and dressed) and that seems to have helped a lot, although certain things tend to set me off.

We'll call this one the "logistics" post.  I'm sure there will be a few "emotional posts" in the next few days.  But in the meantime, thank you to those who already know my story and have been praying.  I assure you, the prayers are felt.

So maybe politicians are all the same after all

And I'll leave it at that.

Spiritual Direction and Political Candidates

No, this is not my attempt to name all of the Catholic-in-name-only politicians who need spiritual direction.  How much time do you think I have??   What I mean is, those are the two things I did today* - got some spiritual direction, and met with a political candidate.

Spiritual direction.  Boy, was I in need!  I've been wanting to find a spiritual director for years.  Yes, years.  Jen Fulwiler wrote about her wonderful experiences with hers, I just had no idea how to go about finding one.  Especially one I'd trust.  I've asked around, not just for names, but even for ideas on how to find a good one!  I never really received an answer.  This past weekend, however, I was really in need.  I decided to just try to catch my priest after mass and see if I could make an appointment to talk to him.  But priests are always so hard to get a hold of, so I wasn't optimistic on being able to set something up.  And though he's an amazing priest, he's not so quick on the email responses!  :)

Anyway, we were actually able to get out of the house on Sunday morning about 5 minutes early - a small miracle, especially since our church is 30 minutes away.  And it truly proved to be a miracle, because when we arrived, my priest was standing alone in the lobby, just hanging out waiting for mass to begin.  I said hello and he complimented my facebook photo (for those who aren't my facebook friends, my photo is a pic of Mitt and me. What what!!).  Aaaaaanyhoo...  So we got to talking and I was able to ask if he could schedule a meeting with me.  Of course he agreed.  I happened to ask, "By the way, do you do spiritual direction?"  "Oh yeah, definitely," he answered.  Well whattya know.  My own priest.  *head. desk.*

So we met today and I'm feeling like a new person (he also heard my confession...phew).  I've been struggling a lot lately with a spiritual dryness.  I mean, I don't have any trouble with Church teachings or defending her outwardly.  It's the inward part that I've been having trouble with.  And honestly...I think I still have a wall up since my infertility.  Yes, I have a beautiful 9 month old.  But that scar is deep.  And I'm still pissed.  And I know I don't have a right to be.  But what can I do?  Hence...spiritual direction, I suppose.

He suggested I begin my prayer life from scratch.  Start by really getting to know Jesus.  The man.  And start by reading the Gospels.  I struggle with prayer because a lot of times I feel like it's just words.  I also get extremely overwhelmed when I actually get a few minutes to sit and have prayer time, because there are SO many things I want to pray and even more things and people I want to pray for.  I also have a habit of deciding I want to have a devotion to a saint.  So I pick one.  And then I change my mind.  And then I hear of another cool one and change my mind again.  And then I go schizo and give up.

So he suggested I get up a few minutes early in the mornings and just read (he said he always has a better day when he prays in the mornings).  Then ask God, even just quickly, to let me know Him.  Ok, sounds like a good start.  That I can do.  I don't really have to feel like I'm just talking to myself.  We're going to meet on a regular basis and there's nothing I need more right now.

So after my meeting with Father, I went to meet with the woman running for Lt. Gov in Delaware.  She's a great lady and running a wonderful campaign.  She's very conservative and that's not an easy thing to be when running for office in DE!  I've been a supporter of hers for a few months.

Recently, she was asked to speak at the RNC.  Her speech was fantastic, but she's not a seasoned politician and wasn't really prepared for the onslaught of interviews and questions hurled at her afterwards.  There was really no preparation for it.  She had just finished up one interview when she immediately began another with a radio host.  He asked her several questions before asking, "what is your stand on the abortion issue?"

Unfortunately, not being a polished and smooth-talking politician, she misspoke. She spoke as a post-abortive woman about not having enough information prior to her own abortion, and said, "In that respect, I am pro-choice."  This caused a firestorm in the pro-life community, which up to that point had trusted her.  What she meant was that she is pro-information, and women actually HAVING a choice.  I'm sure we can all understand what she meant by a true choice.  Unfortunately, the pro-aborts have hijacked that word and it's so politically charged now, that as a pro-life candidate, you can simply NEVER, EVER say the words "I am pro-choice" in ANY context.

She then released this statement on facebook.    I was still concerned so I asked to meet with her.  Long story short (?), she turns out to be completely genuine.  A zero exceptions pro-life candidate.  And she is devastated by her own words.  She said to me through tears, "If one baby dies because I lose this election because of one misstep in one interview, I couldn't live with myself."  God bless this brave woman.  Please support her if you can.

*Uhh...yeah...obviously I didn't do all this on a Saturday.  It was actually yesterday, but I got interrupted mid-blog and didn't get it finished until today! 

Suddenly I'm a Rams fan!

Whoa.  This guy is the real deal.  Who knew there were virtuous professional athletes out there?!?  Well, of course there are the select few that the media likes to hype and pick on (ahem...Tim Tebow...ahem).  But this guy?  Another level.  He calls himself "Catholic by blood" and says that is his identity - not football.  Make sure you read to the end.  Needless to say, the last section is my personal favorite!  :)

Help wanted! I need an FCP!

Well, I'm officially back on a cycle.  This is actually my second cycle, but the first one was while we were on vacation, so there was no TTC going on!  :)  It took eight months after Marshall was born...I couldn't believe it took so long, but am so glad to finally be able to keep track of what my body is doing again!

Here's the thing.  I had left my previous FCP prior to going back to my regular ob/gyn and having surgery.  So I had basically thrown in the towel on NaPro (for myself - I'm still a big believer in it), but I still need to chart.  Is anyone out there willing to work with me from a distance, via email/Skype/etc?

Delaware is in the process of getting TWO NaPro-certified doctors in the next year or so.  But we have no one, as far as I know, getting certified as an FCP.  Let me know if you're in the Delaware/MD/PA area and interested in getting certified!

But for now, just let me know if you're willing to work with me!  :)

Is this a pro-lifer's future under another Obama term?

Folks, this is scary stuff.  Jill Stanek's vigil-warrior son-in-law is visited by FBI agents and asked to "snitch" on other pro-lifers.  Last I checked, we still have a First Amendment in this country (for now).

My local vigilers have been harassed by Planned Parenthood and their off-duty "security" cops.  It's gotten to the point that I've had to have meetings with the police department's community affairs director.  But this is all local stuff.  It's been going on for decades, mainly since Operation Rescue came on the scene.  And it's just the typical local infighting.

But when the feds get involved, it's a whole new ballgame.  First, pro-life vigilers are not the jurisdiction of the Federal Government.  Second, don't the feds have more important things to be taking care of???

I just finished reading Childless, the 3rd book in Brian Gail's Fatherless series.  Some may call it conspiracy theory.  But based on the actions of the Obama administration's first term toward groups it deems "undesirable" (pro-lifers, Catholics, etc), I think it may be a fairly accurate glimpse into our future.  They're trying to intimidate us into submission.  We still live in America folks - don't let them!!!

*If you're a vigiler, you should consider videotaping your actions, because as the article states, law enforcement usually sides with the devil abortion clinic (so true based on my own experience).  You might also bookmark this article in case you're ever in need of LLDF's counsel.

A conversation I never should have overheard at my doctor's office

Last week I had my annual exam at my gyn.  Mind you, I go to a Catholic doctor who has an office at our Catholic hospital.  On the other hand, they do distribute contraception, do referrals for IVF, surrogacy, and other ART's, so it's not as strictly Catholic as I'd like, but I do love my doc and she's extremely supportive of my beliefs.

As I was checking in for my appointment, I overheard a conversation between two nurses back in a corner behind the reception desk.  They were talking about getting their contraception, how much they get, where they get it from, etc.  Which is inappropriate for a number of reasons: 1) it's simply unprofessional no matter where you are, to be talking casually about your birth control within earshot of patients, and 2) because you're employed by a Catholic institution.

One nurse asked the other, "Do you use it for medical reasons?"  I was trying to be stealth, but I had to look up at this point.  I saw the other nurse give her a little smirk and shake her head and they both laughed.  Oh...HILARIOUS!  Good thing those stupid Catholics (you know...the ones who already pay your salary) are gonna be forced to buy it for you in the future!!  Wheee!!!

God help those women.